If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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