True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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