I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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