You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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