Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just found puke in my bra..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
