My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
