How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
