I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
