it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
