she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
