I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize