my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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