did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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