Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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