it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
two words...techno handjob
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
