sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Randomize
