finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
