But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
