If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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