I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
