my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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