Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
