i think i have herpe
just one?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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