I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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