the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
