is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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