Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
