Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm too high and old for this...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
