fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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