Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
3pm strippers are depressing
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
