And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
