so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
