The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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