evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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