If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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