I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
