Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
