now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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