So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
