Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
