So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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