You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
