you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
