I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
