Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
