She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
