I wish I could teleport
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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