my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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