i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
