I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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