When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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