I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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