Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize