the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
