I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize