i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
