Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
